


Jean-Claude Gets a Tan

by ChaosDragon (PlotWitch), PlotWitch



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 02:37:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14782064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlotWitch/pseuds/ChaosDragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlotWitch/pseuds/PlotWitch
Summary: When Anita decides to go on a much needed vacation, two unwanted tag-alongs get what they richly deserve.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Way back in the day this was nominated for Best Humor in the 2004-2005 Pomme De Sang Fic Awards, and took First Place.

_Somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean on the S.S. Titanic II…_

 

Jean-Claude

“Scoot over, _mon ami_! I want to see what they are doing, also!” Jean-Claude muttered from where he crouched, hiding from the late afternoon sun.

He and Richard were following Anita on suspicion of ‘another man.’ Said man being Edward. She had taken off three days ago saying she needed a break. From work, from life, from _them_. It was the ‘from them’ part that rankled, especially when they found out who had met her at the airport to fly with her to Miami.

That damnable assassin. They should have killed him years ago.

But they didn’t. And he was off to get a tan with Anita.

Worse than that, when Richard had said he was going Jean-Claude had been forced to join in without being able to pack. Which meant he was stuck in a hideous Hawaiian shirt. A bright orange one with neon yellow flowers and a jungle green accent of stems and leaves.

He would have rather died. Or killed, he decided as the stupid wolf finally moved over to let him see. There she was, pale in the bright sunlight. Beautiful, her hair long and dark, curls spilling like ebony over that ivory skin…

Jean-Claude shook his head as she handed the assassin a bottle and turned her back towards him. _Mon deiu_! He was pouring it in his hands and sliding them over her skin!

A low growl had started in Richard’s throat at the sight, but Jean-Claude paid him no attention. He was trying to restrain himself from rushing out and ripping the assassin’s head off. And then bursting into flames before he could get back to cover.

Even with the highest SPF he could find in vampire circles (and the ones in Florida had very strong SPF’s indeed) the sun still made him twitch were he in it more than a few minutes.


	2. 2

Anita and Edward

“Hey, Edward?” Anita said from the lounge she had been reclining in. “Do you think I’m burning?”

He sat up and lowered his sunglasses a little to look her over. “Not yet, but you will if we stay out here too much longer. I think your scars are going to be pink.”

He glanced down at himself and gave a soft laugh. “Mine are, too.”

She sat up and pulled her hair back into a loose bun, securing it with a throwing spike. She didn’t have much in the way of hair accessories and the spike worked as good as any of those little sticks that were so popular. And it was functional too.

“We should go back to the cabin, then. Besides, I want to shop and you’re coming with me,” she said as she gathered up her various oils, sun blocks and the two magazines she’d brought out with her.

Edward groaned. “You sound like Donna now. I’m trying to get _away_ from her, remember?” But he sat up and pulled a pale blue over shirt on as she grabbed his book and threw it in her bag.

“Edward,” Anita said with one brow arched. “I have never demanded that you go grocery shopping with me. But I will demand that you are male and I want to make sure that everything I buy looks good.”

Edward took her bag from her so that she could pull her sandals on. “Yeah, and the lord of the undead isn’t here. Neither is the furball. So why do you want to be sexy?”

“You were the one who said something about an ‘uncomplicated fuck.’”


	3. 3

Richard

“She told him to go shopping with her! She wants him to shop with her! For sexy clothes!” Richard exclaimed at Jean-Claude, momentarily forgetting his discomfort. He’d been feeling awful since they’d boarded the ship. It didn’t help that they’d snuck aboard and spent the first night in the bowels of the ship, tossing back and forth. Back and forth….

Richard abruptly turned around and ran for the side of the ship. People nearest him backed away with a few exclamations of “gross!” and muttered “eews.” He wasn’t very happy himself, either, since it was _his_ stomach heaving all of its contents into the deep blue water.

A pale arm snaked out from under an umbrella and patted his back. Then jerked back as the skin started smoking slightly.

“Ah, _mon ami_? I left that sunblock in the cabin… When you finish feeding the fishes, would you be so kind as to retrieve it so that we can follow them shopping?”

Richard gave one last heave and wiped his mouth. “Sure,” he said as he swallowed convulsively.

Jean-Claude had managed, by way of J.C. Corp., to secure them a berth on the second day. Richard was grateful, so very grateful.

And then he was seeing red again. Because no more than twenty feet in front of him were Anita and Edward, his arm draped lazily across her shoulders and hers wrapped around his waist.

He ran straight for them.

Unfortunately by the time he got where they had been they were in their cabin and he was left with people staring at him. He straightened his shoulders and glared at them before continuing on his way.


	4. 4

Edward and Anita

“The black one was better,” Edward said as she twirled in front of him in a light blue slip dress. “You always look better in black.”

“I know,” she said as she looked into the mirror again. “But I’m trying to find something not so… harsh.”

“It’s only harsh because of the way you use it.”

She shrugged. “Find me something else, Edward.”

He stared at her. This was worse than Donna. Because Donna didn’t look half so good as Anita. Nor would she share a cabin with him when she wasn’t having sex with him. But he went.

And returned with an armload of ‘soft’ things. Thank God this boat had a mall in it. And that it took plastic. Because he’d looked at the prices on these things and his eyes had nearly fallen out.

Of course most of them were made of silk and lace and had fancy designer names…. That could have something to do with it. Definitely something to do with it.

He handed them to Anita and she took them into the curtained dressing room.

And he glanced over his shoulder. There they were again, the two nutcases in Hawaiian shirts who’d been following them since they’d started this cruise. He shook his head. Some people had no manners.

“Anita, I’ll be right back. I saw one more thing,” he said to the curtain.

There was a thump and a naked leg poked out from under it. “Edward, if I ever figure out how to get this one on, I’m going to kill you.”


	5. 5

Jean-Claude

“Where did he go?”

“I don’t know. If I knew I wouldn’t be wondering. He said something about another dress or whatever.”

They were crouched inside a circular rack of long silky things, things that made him think of Anita’s skin on his. He reached out and pulled it farther open.

“I do not see him, Richard.”

There was no reply.

“Is he on the other side of the store, _mon ami_?”

There was a gulp.

“You could say that, I guess.”

Jean-Claude turned to see a very cowed Richard sitting in front of a very angry Edward.


	6. 6

Anita and Edward

Anita was in the bathroom, changing into one of the slinkier black things Edward had picked out. The door was cracked and she could hear Edward rustling through the bags.

“Hey, Edward? Can you dig out that pair of shoes?”

A moment later the shoes were tossed in the bathroom and Edward was staring at her, eyes wide.

“Anita, you shouldn’t wear that one,” he said, his voice soft.

She glanced down. “Why not? It covers more than it shows.”

“Umm, Anita, there’s something I think you should know…”

 

_Outside the Cabin, People strolling along…_

 

“YOU SAW WHO??? AND THEY SAID WHAT!!!!!!”

The various passengers jumped and stared at the closed door.

 

_Inside the Cabin, Anita staring at Edward…_

 

“They think we’re sleeping with each other,” Edward was saying.

Anita was torn between anger and laughter. The boys were worried that she was sleeping with someone else. Especially since she _wasn’t_ sleeping with them.

“And what was Jean-Claude wearing, again?”

Edward sat down next to her and covered his face with his hands. There was muffled laughter. “One of those awful Hawaiian shirts. Oh, Anita, I wish you could have seen it!”

Anita started laughing. “Oh, my God. I can’t picture him in it, why can’t I picture him in it? It’s too funny. It hurts trying to!” she laughed as she collapsed back on the bed.

Edward fell back beside her holding his sides. “Probably because until he met you he didn’t wear anything but black and white. Even now he rarely wears anything besides that and an occasional red. Neon colors,” he snickered, “are probably not even in his world.”

Anita laughed harder. “He was really wearing neon?”

Edward nodded. “You can see yourself at dinner, I have no doubt that they’ll be there, watching.”

Anita rolled to her side, looking at him. There was a huge smile on her face. “Well maybe I should give them exactly what they want.”

Edward raised an eyebrow, his eyes still crinkled from laughter. “I’m game, what did you have in mind?”


	7. 7

Richard

“We shouldn’t be here. He’s probably told her.” He was whining again, worried that Anita was going to shoot him for stalking—err, following her.

Jean-Claude poked him. “Shut up, stupid wolf. You can see she doesn’t know anything. Look at the way she sits there with him! _Mon dieu_ , I have never seen anything so brazen.”

Indeed, Anita was sitting three tables away with Edward, and she was not looking at anyone but him. She was barely paying attention to the people who joined their table, as it was by no means a private one. As a matter of fact, it was full of other couples equally uninterested in anyone other than their partner.

Richard snorted. “And you don’t drool every time you look Asher’s way. I _told_ you she noticed.”

For a moment Jean-Claude seemed to take pause, as if to think upon it. Then, with a delicate wave of his hand, flopping precisely at his wrist, Jean-Claude dismissed it. “ _Non_ , she would not notice. I have been practicing deception for centuries, there is no way a mere mortal could see through me.”

A choking sound interrupted him as Richard gasped for breath.

“Yeah, and I was pretty sure no mere mortal could get her tongue that far down a guys throat.”


	8. 8

Anita and Edward

“Are they watching?” Anita whispered as her mouth slid to Edward’s ear.

He chuckled. “And having conniption fits. It looks like Richard might burst a blood vessel any second.”

“Good,” she muttered.


	9. 9

Jean-Claude

Jean-Claude was aghast. Not only was his beloved _ma petite_ involved with another man, but she was involved with Death, and she was doing things with her tongue he had only dreamed of! He reached to his chest to adjust the fall of his ruffled shirt only to realize that he was still wearing the neon colored mess.

“ _Merde_! This silly costume does not allow me to show my true masculinity!”

He was jerked lower behind a menu.

“That’s because you aren’t supposed to be showing your… whatever. We’re spying. She isn’t supposed to know we’re here.” Richard’s ever practical voice filled his ears and grated on his nerves.

“And I suppose _Monsieur_ Death was supposed to find us cowering in lingerie like fledglings?”

“No matter,” he pressed. “We can win her back if we go to her now and declare our love.”

Jean-Claude considered himself lucky not to require breathing as Richard’s hand clenched around the back of his neck, fingers digging into his throat. His face contorted as he struggled to shrug Richard's grip off in a manner so as not to disturb the other diners at their table.

“What are you doing, Richard?” he gasped out as he finally yanked the claws from his throat.

“ _They’re leaving_ ,” Richard hissed at him.

Without a care for who was watching Jean-Claude bolted upright and was only kept from dragging Richard out by the waiter who had finally showed up with their dinners.

By the time they got Anita and Edward back in sight, they were no longer alone, and were no longer able to find hiding spaces nearby.

Jean-Claude sighed as he realized the irony of spying on his girlfriend from a latrine. Truly, the strangest things happened to him because of Anita.


	10. 10

Anita and Edward

Edward and Anita were still groping each other as they rounded a corner, intending to hit the stairs down to their deck and finish the show up there. Instead they found themselves plowed up against a solid body of muscle.

Before Anita could ever recognize the person, Edward had a 9mm out and trained. Anita could only gape and, eyes wide, demand, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Olaf raised an eyebrow. “I could ask the same of you.” He paused. “Did you come to hunt?”

Anita shook her head emphatically. “Not only no, but hell no.”

Edward glanced at her then back at Olaf. “Vacation?” he asked, voice calm and empty, as if he weren’t holding a gun on another passenger in the middle of a cruise ship that held thousands of people.

Olaf nodded. “You?”

Edward nodded.

A huge smile broke out across Olaf’s face. “Ah! Soul-mates! I get it.” He stopped dead, his brow furrowed. “So we are going to wreck our vacations now, are we not?”

Edward glanced back Anita, shrugging as he slid the gun into the waistband of his pants. There was a gleam in her eye that had him shivering in anticipation as well as shuddering because it was altogether evil.

“You know, Olaf,” Anita began. “I really, really want to get back to enjoying my vacation. So I’ll make you a deal.”

Olaf smiled. “What kind of deal.”

Anita’s teeth flashed white. “Let’s just say I have a couple problems that need… putting in their places.”


	11. 11

Jean-Claude and Richard

Richard peeked his head out again, blocking Jean-Claude from seeing past him for a moment. He was silent and then, “I don’t see them. I don’t see anyone, for that matter.”

“Move, you stupid wolf,” Jean-Claude muttered as he shoved himself under Richard’s torso to look out for himself.

“Where could they have gone?”

A shadow loomed over them and they glanced up, guilt all over their faces as they expected to be confronted again by Edward, or ever worse, by Anita. Instead, it was a tall, bald, muscle bound man. He smiled, a decidedly feral look on his face.

“So,” he said in a guttural tone, “we have stowaways.”

They were still protesting as Olaf threw them overboard.


	12. 12

Anita and Edward

The sound of two large splashes was music to Anita’s ears. She turned to Edward as she closed the porthole she’d been standing next to. He was lounging on the large bed, a grin on his face.

“Anita, I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun in my life. I’d pay money to see today on instant replay forever.”

Anita laughed. “It was their fault.”

“Yeah. They don’t trust you.” He smirked. “Stupid monsters."

Anita shrugged as she untied the ribbons that held her dress together at the shoulders. “Well, they weren’t entirely wrong.”

“So, you’re finally going to take the suggestion?”

She smiled. “Good advice is hard to come by, you know?”

The dress slid from her shoulders to reveal a strappy black piece of silk. Edward’s eyes remained cool and calm, but his hands suddenly clenched into fists as she lowered herself to his lap.

“I could have sworn I said ‘uncomplicated fuck,’ Anita.”

She smiled as she ran her lips over his, her smile growing wider as his hands slid to cup her. “You did. I also recall something about you never making it complicated.”

“With you, Anita, nothing is ever uncomplicated.”

She laughed softly. “True. Now, I said I’d kill you if I ever figured out how to get this thing on.” She paused to kiss him.

“I’ll spare your life if you help me take it off.”


	13. 13

_One week later, somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean …_

 

Richard

A sizzling sound filled the afternoon air. A muttered curse followed and the tent shuddered unsteadily.

“How many times do I have to tell you to keep under there?” Richard asked as he watched the water carefully, waiting with a hand poised.

“And how many times must I tell you that I hate you? _Mon dieu_ , had I know you would drop the last bottle of sun block overboard I would have killed you ere it happened,” came the dark mutterings from under the canopy.

Richard sighed as he knifed his hand into the water and came up with a small, inch long fish.

“Well, at least I caught dinner.”


	14. 14

_One more week later, somewhere else in the middle of the Caribbean …_

 

Jean-Claude

The moon was full and the air still as Jean-Claude dipped his under the salty water in an attempt to clean it. He flung it back of his shoulders, water spraying everywhere.

“Stop doing that!” Richard yelled as he shoved Jean-Claude over the edge of the raft. He laughed uproariously as Jean-Claude came sputtering to the surface.

“I swear to you, Richard, I will see you dead.”

There was a pause and then a loud gasp as Jean-Claude pointed towards the rear of the craft. “It is land, _mon ami_!”

Five seconds later the air was rife with curses as the whale dove back to the dark depths of the ocean, leaving the craft swamped with salty water.


	15. 15

_Two more weeks later, back in St. Louis…_

 

Anita

Anita was curled up on her couch when it finally happened. It was her only day off that week and she was waiting on Edward to come pick her up for the new movie in town. It was a much anticipated date; she had even put make-up on willingly.

She regretted the make-up when she opened the door to the soft rapping. It was so hard to clean running mascara and reapply it quickly. Standing in front of her, looking more bedraggled than she’d ever seen either of them, were Jean-Claude and Richard.

Jean-Claude had knots in what was left of his frazzled and dried out hair. His skin was scorched in a few places and he had calluses and cracks in his skin. Richard’s long hair was no more, a short hacking cut that looked like a desperate measure. His skin was no longer a beautiful bronze, but an enduring deep red.

Like a lobster.

Anita struggled not to laugh. In the end, she could only squeeze one thing out around the hysterical chuckles. 

“So, how was your trip?”


End file.
